There's no easy way to say this without sounding heartless or something, so I'll just say it. My mom died a few weeks ago. Almost a month ago actually. It's been totally surreal and I'm not sure that even now it's totally ingrained in me. Some days are harder than others, which is why I haven't written about it until now. Some days I forget that she's gone and try to call her, only find myself calling her over and over again to hear the sound of her voice recording. Some days I am grateful for all that I do have still. Some days I worry what I will do without her, without my advice giver, without my teacher, without my mom. But most days I just try to endure it. The Lord has promised us many blessings if we will but endure to the end. By enduring, I mean enduring well. Keeping those important things first in our lives and staying repentant. I've have tried to continue doing all these things and am still hopeful for those blessings. The trial comes when time after time goes by where my prayers could be answered, but are not. However, I have to remind myself that it is only after a trial of our faith that our prayers are answered and our faith is confirmed.
Sometimes too our trials serve the purpose of showing us just how strong we are. SOMETIMES, though, that really sucks... at the time...
Not to be a depressing chunk of sadness, but I figured that when my mom died, that was pretty much the lowest form of sadness I was going to experience. I was wrong. Things with my family and school and my boyfriend are going all haywire and have not given me comfort and relaxation for the most part.
Mostly, I feel the need for change b/c my life isn't going the way I want it too. Not that my life is going in a bad direction, but it's just not what I want.
So what to do? Well I'm still figuring out. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I hope from this you feel grateful and blessed and maybe take some solace in any trials you may be experiencing.
Ashley, I love you soooo much. Whenever I find myself answering questions about how you are doing, I always find myself giving an adamantly sincere speech on what an amazing woman you are and how much I look up to you. I know you have to be dying inside, but it is unbelievable the way you have been handling the pain and the situation. I don't even like saying "handling" because I feel like that implies passive and minimal survival. I can see it in your eyes, in your life and your spirit: You have been incomprehensibly strong and have been truly LIVING. Everyday I see you fight the desire to retreat into a dark corner and instead go on loving, feeling, serving, learning, growing, and LIVING. You are undoubtedly bringing your mother so much joy.
ReplyDeletesorry...I know that's not exactly what you were asking for...but...neither is my "Ashley is incredible" shpeel when people ask how you are doing. Sometimes I just can't help myself.
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